Archive | October, 2011

I Wanna Be a Kid Again. Waaaah

26 Oct

I positively despise the lack of time I have for anything leisure in my life as of late. I go to work, where I work my butt into a wound up, sweaty, frazzled stress ball. After this, I go home, cram food down my face and then the rest of the night is devoted to my ONE masters class (somewhere in this packed schedule, I manage to tuck away a large bowl of ice cream, blaming my portion on stress…). Don’t get me wrong, I simply adore my job, it is the most rewarding and challenging thing I have ever had the luck to do. Also, do not mistake my complaints about class to mean I am not simply fascinated by what I get to learn every week. HOWEVER, there is ALWAYS a “however”, I do not have time for ME. I have not written a blog post in weeks, I have not been to the gym in…I don’t even want to admit it, and I have not had time for my friends. I squeeze time in for my family and for my budding relationship. This is not to say all the things I have pushed to the side are not important…these things are incredibly important, I miss them so very much. I have also not crafted or created something I am proud of in forever. I had a huge interest in photography I wanted to pursue. Now, all I get a chance to do is snap a random pic here and there in Instagram and try to feel like that is good enough. I have always wanted to learn how to find my rhythm (if that is even humanly possible). I always wished I could be on Made, where someone whips my butt into a dancing queen. I think I am a little old for Made, and I cannot find my white girl rhythm while I am going in 90 different directions every single day.

I apologize that this has turned into a “poor me”, bitch session, it was meant to be an apology to my readers for my lack of posting anything of real worth in a long, long time. Then, I sought to find the reason for my lack of writing and essentially came up with my lack of any time outside of school and work. So, I am sorry?

Being an adult sometimes really blows. Our lives revolve around making money to pay bills that never  get paid off. We seek higher education to be more well-rounded and to become more successful, but the time and money spent on this just adds to the bills we forever pay. When do we actually stop mid sprint in the rat race to start living the way we really want to?  I do not want to go to school if it means I sacrifice happiness now. I already have a college degree, why do I need another? I do not want a job that I have to take home or that makes all of my hair turn gray from stress. What I really want is time for myself, my family, friends and passions. I wonder if this is possible and if others have found that seemingly intangible balance.

Things that make you go “Hmmm”…


Someone Pinch Me

6 Oct

Holy crap my life is amazing…

How often have you really, truly thought or said that with real conviction? For me, the last time I thought that was 2004. The past few years of my life, well, they weren’t the “Wonder Years”, to put it mildly. I know, all of you are going to get so sick and tired of my constant, “My life is amazing posts”, because, what do people really mean when all they do is repeat how wonderful something is? They really mean it’s total crap and they are just trying to convince themselves and everyone else that it is great. That is seriously not the case here. I really and truly have moments of such sheer bliss of who I am, where I am at and where I am going that it is almost painful, like a shock to my system. I guess shock is really the perfect word, because 5 months ago, I would have adamantly refused to believe my life would get better, because at the time I thought it was crashing down all around me. What I couldn’t see at the time was that my life was rebuilding itself into something stronger and way more attractive.

I am 100% an advocate for counting your blessings. However you want to do this, whether it is thanking a god you believe in or thanking your support system, or simply mouthing, “Thank you” to whoever, whatever, it is important to recognize the good things that have come to you. Maybe you just need to thank yourself; give yourself a big pat on the back for all the hard work you did to get where you are. The how is not important, just do it.

Here I detail all of the good things that have become my life, the things I am grateful for everyday…

I get to drive through the neighborhood I used to dream of living in everyday, but this time, I get to stop and park, because I actually live here. The feeling of liberation and getting to live where I have wanted for so long should be bottled it is so good. I could sell this shit.

Have you ever wanted a job, a car, or something so bad that the need could be felt deep in your core and you felt like if you didn’t get it, you could possibly die? Well, I felt this exact way when I found out a job I wanted would be available. I dreamed of this job. I envisioned myself in this job. I could taste this job. I had to have this job. Not only would this position be a step closer to a teaching job, it would be the highest paying job I have ever had. Now, I know it is rude to talk about how much you make, but…when you are thrown out into the world to make it all on your own, when you never have, money makes all the difference. Not only did I successfully attain this job I wanted deep down to my core, I have an income that will pay my bills and allow me a pedicure or two, a shopping spree, a trip to San Francisco, anything my heart desires. There is nothing sweeter than the feeling that you are doing it, you are making it.

I have the ability to, once again, be happy and carefree enough to notice the small things in life. Now, I do not mean the insignificant things that are easily ignored, no. I mean those beautiful or amusing things that you do not see when you are too stressed or unhappy to look up from your cloud of depression to notice. Today, on my drive home, I saw a dog wearing one of those cone things. He was adamantly, tirelessly trying to lick a tree. This random, insignificant thing made me laugh so hard I was crying. Maybe I am just easily amused, but the point is, I noticed this poor dog and I found the whole thing amusing enough to just let it out and get a good laugh. Also today, I saw a rainbow break through heavy, gray clouds to touch down in a parking lot. It was… beautiful. These things are important to me, because without random, silly, beautiful things, life would be monotonous. No one likes monotonous.

I am dating someone now (well, for the past couple months) It feels good to be called beautiful, to have my hand held, to have someone to laugh at my jokes. It also feels good to be with someone who is just as sarcastic, picky and hard-headed as I am. This man does not “bow down to the queen”. I do not get my way. I do not tell him what is up and he does not cater to my every whim. If I tell him I forgot my socks to wear with my running shoes (because I really do not want to go running…) he tells me, “Too bad” and makes me wear his socks (sock heels hanging out of your shoes is not a sexy look, FYI). It feels good to be able to respect the person I am with. He isn’t just intelligent, he is motivated enough to be able to say he is a college graduate. We do not go out every weekend, instead he teaches me how to cook and how I can get the best deal on hamburger at the grocery store. He pinches every penny and is, literally, the most frugal person I have every encountered. If he knew I buy bananas every week to hang from my wire fruit basket, to just throw them away, because I forget to the eat them, he would be disgusted. He is totally different than anyone I have ever met and at times, neurotic, yet extremely refreshing. He has goals, actual interests and knows what he wants out of life. He does not fear telling me no and does not put up with my crap.  I am having fun and learning about myself and about life in general (did you know that you sh0uld rinse your canned vegetables because you cut your salt intake exponentially?) Good stuff.

I am not going to end this post with a cheeseball closure. All I want to say is, it’s bed time and all I want right now is to crawl into my sheets and play Words with Friends (I am KILLING Heather!). Good night all.