Archive | March, 2012

Girls and Boys

19 Mar

If I hear my boyfriend complain one more time, one more time, about how long I take to get ready in the morning, I will cease to shave my legs and Virginia forever. I swear it. Someone, preferably a man, tell me why men still do not understand that women have far more obligations in the morning than they ever will? Men have a saying that explains their daily grooming and it’s: The Triple S: Shit, Shower and Shave. It sounds simple and it is and they can do all 3 in 10 minutes. If women were to have a saying about their morning routine it would be so long, it would need to be a mnemonic and it would be the longest damn mnemonic ever.

My boyfriend has lived with me for around 3 months and he is still baffled at the amount of time I take to get ready for the day. I would say I take about as long as any woman who actually cares about her appearance. I suppose if I stopped all of my grooming and I had legs as hairy as his and hair that looked like I brushed it with a greasy pancake, he would stop complaining and beg me to go back to my usual routine. If I had the guts, I would actually test this theory…

I think instead of complaining, men should bow down to the women in their lives for the painstaking effort it takes to look good. Now, if you are one of those “natural” beauties who slap on some lip gloss and run your fingers through your hair in the morning and you look  as good as Gisele Bundchen, you are not allowed to read my blog anymore and you are not welcome in the club. With that, I will detail what men need to do in the morning and what I, a woman, needs to do.

Men:

Shit

Slap on some deodorant

Brush teeth

Throw on wrinkled clothing and a hat and voila!

Women:

Can’t shit because you’re constipated from the diet food you consumed the previous night

Shower, which includes shaving every area on your body, minus the head. Speaking of the hair on your head, in order to get the bouncy shine you covet, you must shampoo then condition several times with various expensive products that really just end up down the drain

Continuing with the shower, must pumice feet so they don’t look like your grandfather’s elbows

Still not done with the shower…washing your face with a serious face wash is very important. The shampoo that runs down your face when you rinse your hair does not count as washing your face, FYI

Once out of shower, lotion feet, then apply special conditioning socks. Continue lotioning entire body

Brush teeth, put in contacts, apply a very liberal amount of deodorant

Start on the process of makeup. I won’t bore you with every detail, as the process includes primers, concealers and contraptions that look like weapons to most men

Once done with makeup, begin blow-out on hair that has been towel drying for 30 minutes

Allow flat-iron to heat up

Begin 20 minute process of flat-ironing hair

Once hair has been straightened, hair sprayed and sheened, must begin the inspection

Oops, is that a black hair coming out of my chin? Tweezers! Stat!

Shit there’s another hair under my chin…

While inspecting chin, it is found that makeup blending was not very thorough. Work on blending make up so you don’t look like a tan addict

After some time, it is decided that decent will just have to cut it

Try on various clothing items. The first few outfits show off the constipation bloat too much

Once finally dressed, the accessory adornment process begins (this can take some time, as there are many options and you do not want to regret your decision once at work)

When your shoes and accessories finally work with your outfit that cleverly hides your belly, it is time to spritz on some Juicy and walk out the door

I think I rest my case. What case? Well, the case that you (men) have to do nothing to look decent, whereas it takes women a whole hell of a lot more. Get used to it. It is never going to change. Go play some video games or something. Thank you and good day.

 

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